Flashback (part 5)
This is a really old one, dating from 2005, if I’m not mistaken I was sitting on the toilet while writing this one. Yes, that was probably a bit too much information right? Oh well, lets place it in its context shall we? The Iraq War (the second one) was in full effect, the US’ previous regime was busy decimating any resistance to their occupation forces whilst their leaders managed to reduce this bloody war to a set of strange and abstract terms such as “WMD’s”, “Axis of Evil” and “Theaters of Operation”.
Enjoy (it might not be work friendly)
Wake up, stay asleep, wake up, stay asleep…the moral dilemma that I have to face every morning. (or afternoon or night…depending on the situation)
So then most of the time I decide to wake up because of some stupid useless reason, Im curious though how it feels like to be asleep for like a few days or so. I mean sure I slept longer than 12 hours one or two times in my life (as long as I can remember), but what about sleeping for lets say 96 hours???
Finally we all wake up, open our eyes and sort of try to face the world of the living. We look around, we can feel, hear and smell all sorts of interesting thing. A fresh fart of a person who ate some rotten egg chinese food thing or airplane food, you can feel this horrible urge to take a shit, so you quickly run to the toilet only to realise somebody else has been there before you and you can smell the feces of the previous shitter. Then you feel this burning and solid piece falling down, you wonder why the fuck you have to eat so much Turkish peppers before you go to sleep, every morning you will regret this. In the background you can hear the moron next door trying to drill a hole into a concrete wall, while you are in your meditating position you can actually hear that he is failing quite horribly at it, his drilling machine is probably dying while you are dominating your throne.
After finally being done of disposing the digested remains of yesterday’s peppers you realise that you have run out of toiletpaper, another annoying thing! Then you wish that you had one of those ass showers you have in those fancy hotels or South American houses. While thinking of South American houses, you begin to wonder why you dont have a radio in your toilet, you dont want other people to hear you taking a poop now do you? You would rather listen to some local radiostation who puts commercials through their songs about the most useless things such as skateshops or surfers who are lonely.
These thoughts are all running through your mind while you are looking for an alternative to whipe your ass with, then you find this purely virginal white towel, what other choice do you have? That’s right! You use the towel to clean the rectal area, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld would call this the “theater of operations”.
Of course, like any decent person you’ll wash your hands after using the toilet, so that’s what you do. Now you have taken a shit, cleaned your hands (eventhough they are as wet as an English girl’s vagina since you can no longer use the defiled towel) and made an attempt to flush the toilet. Then you find out that the flush device isn’t working. The only decent thing you can do then is to take the towel of Sodom and use that thing to push the pile of feces into the water, of course you have to prevent your hands from getting dirty, this will be a difficult task for you, many of you will not make it and only those with the strongest souls will keep their sanity!
If you have survived this horrible experience you will have no other choice than to leave that towel in the toilet itself, trying to retreive that piece of drying technology would simply be too dangerous and could be considered suicide. You leave the towel in there, you open the door and leave…
Where’s my drink?